Just tired…..

I have been apprehensive about coming here, about emptying the clutter I have collected in my head and heart over the last several months. I know my inner critic is at its very best as of late…but what the hell!!

Why should I fear what someone will think?

So I was working on this piece about being 50 and all the bits and pieces that brought me to that point in time. Birthdays haven’t always been good, not that they have been horrible…but some of them were just another day. Ruined by alcohol, as a lot of things in this life have been.

So I sit in the middle of our huge bed and reflect on a lot…a lot of good and bad in the last 50 years…and I will be okay, because I always am, somehow, I always am. Just when I think I cant take any more I summon the strength to handle the next thing.

I am tired, really fucking tired.

I thank my Creator for routine, it helps me make it through. I am thankful for the people who see me, really see me, and are still here. I have an amazing community of kind and loving people who surround me daily, from the moment I wake up, until my head hits the pillow at night. Those who know my character and who I am, who haven’t wavered, who are steadfast and true.

Life shifts and changes. Trust is given and broken. People…well, some people just aren’t good. I have survived a lot of shit in this life and I am still here, how? I have no idea, but I am.

So write hard about the things that hurt….

My best childhood friend who I have know for 37 years is losing her Mom as I put these words down. My heart breaks for her. Cancer is a vicious bitch. I cant even hold her….I can only be here for her.

My sister…my poor, sweet sister. She lost her Mom in February and her husband a week ago. Her heart is broken and she is alone….so far from me.

And being afraid to write because I may hurt someone…..what about me? I hold it in and I destroy myself because this is how I HEAL….I write and write and write and at some point it makes sense.

The truth is I am hurt and reaching a breaking point. I cry when I am alone, a lot more than I will ever admit.

And I am angry, so fucking angry. You never know what people will do to you. And I am tired of being guarded because people are just shitty sometimes.

I am just really tired….its enough already.

Time

4:30 am ……already?

4:44 am ….makeup

They bark at something outside and he comes to the door to check on me before he goes back to bed with you

5:38 am… I think about the things I need to accomplish before I leave

6:03 am…I call my Mom

6:15 am…I am at my desk, I need coffee and to put my things away

6:29 am…I think about the 31 minutes I have before the space is full and the energy shifts

8:17 am….I wonder if my girl is up…what day is it? Does she work today?

9:48 am ….I wonder what people fear

10:23 am… I glance at the phone to see if you are up yet.

Waves of emotions….random thoughts and the tasks at hand

12:10 pm …lunch now, or later?…yes, later

What to do with the hour I have. Saving, so I stay in and sit with my friend. She shares her space with me so I get a full lunch hour instead of working through. Periodic conversation about life and work.

1:45 pm… thats all??

2:00 pm…I didn’t even look at the moon last night

4:45 pm ….15 minutes to go

8:33 pm….and you call

10:23 pm…. 6 hours and 7 mins of sleep if I go now

3:03 am, really?

4:30 am ……again….already

The randomness of life and my thoughts that go with it….

Do you ever have one of those days…

You know the ones…where you just cant breathe?? Where inhaling takes all the effort you have and exhaling feels like you’ve been under water way too long and you have to try to remember how to breathe.

Dinner at the counter, standing, where I am comfortable. Bird is singing a little, Hec is behind me asleep on the rug, Tito across the room on his bed. The wind is blowing again and again and….again.

Yea, one of those days…

Where you turn a corner and another and another…you can’t breathe because every time you catch your breath it happens again.

When I was little my Mom had this chair. It was so big, I would put my head on one arm and curl into a ball and there was still room. It was safe. I could stay there alone forever. I could breathe, safe from the monsters and everything else that was wrong in an 8 year olds life. I need that chair today.

I tend to repeat the words “I don’t know” when I cant put together my thoughts and I cant breathe. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know….do you ever have one of those days? Where everything is overwhelming? Where it starts small and turns into some horrible anomaly?

So today is just one of those days….and when the night ends and I slip into the comfort of our bed, and the dark of the room, I will remember what it feels like to breathe again.

Peace for your Wednesday ❤

How is that dish best served?

I wrote this last year, the exact date is unimportant. I am clearing space for a new life and stumbled across these words this evening…it says a lot about my frame of mind then. About the place I came from and the circle I had at that time…..

Sometimes I can hardly breathe for the thoughts running through my mind. This morning I struggle with self value, my worth. I know that I am worthy of good things in life, but sometimes they are so hard to accept. Love and kindness from others are  sometimes the hardest gifts to receive.

We compare ourselves to others. To what and who we hear about the most. At least this is my experience. I have to write to think this through. My emotions are unsettled, the dust has been stirred. I think this is a natural state when you step into a newness so rare that it feels like a language you have never spoken.

Life has been pretty hard sometimes. From friendships to relationships. Everyone has always wanted something…everyone. Everyone. So when someone comes and asks or expects nothing except what you are willing to give…meaning if you show kindness and love this is only what is expected in return. When you can give exactly what you expect and it is returned, that is a true gift.

Sometimes I have to…no, all the time I have to walk through and feel all the layers of emotions that are emerging. The love, sadness, disappointments..I have to let each emotion rise, feel my way around it…through it and inhale as I surface with it and release it. 

Slow realization that we deserve more, better, something greater than every thing you have ever had. No more fractures, no more bruises, tears, let downs. No cheating. No more wondering who else has been or is a part of the relationship. No more watching someone while they watch someone else. No more hate, no more pain. Just no more. I released it all, refused to carry anyones baggage.

Life is different now….for me life is so different now. Many months have passed since this was written, written in the beginning of a brand new. A brand new that was terrifying because it was everything I had asked for and wanted. Consistency. Stability. Honesty. Trust. Truth. Love. Friendship. And so much more. A Brand New.

So I wonder “How is that dish best served?”

Peace ❤

In between

I try so hard to keep my emotions in check. To let go of things and people that rob me of my peace and some days I am not so good at it.

So our life is changing, packing and packing…emptying rooms and the life I have created in the time since my divorce. My divorce, I haven’t written much publicly about that part of my life and don’t feel it is necessary for any type of healing. I don’t feel there is anything to heal. One thing my divorce taught me was to let go of the attachment to things that I held close and I felt were important. Family history, childhood memories, just parts of my history that were easily discarded by someone. The strange part is that I cant treat people the way they treat me, I am not sure what that is. Maybe I should take a lesson in being callous…..but thats just not who I am.

There are gifts, pictures, jewelry that I have discarded or given away, but they were mine to do so with. I felt like it was cleansing bad treatment and memories. I dont want reminders or energy carried forward into the new life we are creating.

So I dreamt of the past last night. Of how my things were destroyed, thrown away, how they didn’t matter. Parts of my family history that can never be replaced. So I had to have some time to sit with what I am feeling. I am getting rid of things, a life I built on my own in the last five years and its picking at old wounds. I feel a little displaced because we are in the “in between”.

Life is fragile. And temporary. And tender. And people can be so cruel.

Where is another box? And is that the pile that’s going to be donated?

And I push on…..

One year ago

Watching you from the kitchen while I wait for the coffee to finish and I drop into a moment from a year ago.

One year ago I had very little direction, something I wasn’t used to. My future seemed very unclear. The job I had disappeared and I faced a lot of uncertainties. I applied and applied. I was consumed with searching for work. It was the first time in many, many years that I had nowhere to go and no where to be.

You pass by the window where I am sitting and I think about what triggered me to come to this moment and space. It is how I feel and see myself now. And of course the way you see me, the way you love me and the random kiss in line at the store.

One year ago I never thought the life I live now was even possible. I look at my picture and I am not even the same person I was then. I was unhappy and trying to figure it out.

With the reassurance from friends, long time and recent. I picked up and filled my days with work, the gym and what little life I held together. Not really living, but existing.

I know now more than ever that I am a survivor and I have strength that a few never gave me credit for.

There was a particular conversation where I was told, “I promise you something better will be on the other side of this”. Those words will stay with me for the rest of my days and I pass them on when I can.

So the other side of this was certainty, stability, a job I love, a man who I love more and more every day. A quiet, easy balance to life that I have never felt before.

Sometimes we stay up too late and sleep in

And sometimes we talk a lot or not at all, but there is always, always something to say or share

We drive to Boulder City for breakfast and it doesn’t work out

But we are so present, in everything

So when you stuck your head in the back door I had already dropped into the moment of gratitude for the life I have now and the life I have with you.

So this life is a better life than one year ago…

Always remember that whatever struggles you experience in your life something better will be on the other side of them ….

The fabric of life

I am standing in front of your side of the closet, delicately touching each shirt as I go. I know the feel of what I am looking for. And there it is, my favorite shirt of yours. You smile when I find you in the kitchen and there we were……

Sometimes it’s hard for me to share some of the layers of my life with you, not that they are a secret, but because they are reminder of the tenderness that still remains. I had been trying to tell you for some time and finally found the words, or my voice in Saturday’s morning hours.

For many, instead of dealing with pain, it is easier to bury than acknowledge. So it is buried. Some people never touch it again and some people have no choice in order to heal. I uncovered it and worked on it, through it and beyond it. I learned some valuable lessons in the process. Allowing the poor behavior of others to back step my healing process once again. Another lesson in the book of life. I was finally getting it.

I know now that the lessons I received were to remind me of who I am and my strength. But most importantly to know exactly what I deserve in this life.

I have always carefully thought through my actions and words towards others. “How would I react?” “Are my actions considerate?” “Are my words kind?” “How would I feel?”. I believe where I come from, the things I have experienced throughout life, made me more mindful of others and their feelings. I have experienced situations where someone has subjected me to harsh words and actions and then wondered why I lashed out in anger or eventually just walked away from them.

My favorite shirt, because it feels of you, the way you calm me and the way you stir me. You make me sure of myself and of you. You are the quiet comfort in the middle of the night and the sweet sunlight that floods the morning. You get it where others don’t, the same as I do you.

So I have come to realize that we all heal in our own time. We all heal differently. Even though some have done the self-work and have been on the path of healing, it doesn’t mean that the tender layers, in the core, don’t exist. It may just means we can touch them some days more than others. Some bury the past better than others, and some dont. I always think about the saying “you never know what someone is going through”, and we really dont.

So this is the fabric of life….

My favorite shirt of yours… because of our lessons and continuous growth. The patient people we are with each other and the impatient people we are with ourselves. The worn and tattered layers we came together with and the threads we are weaving together now to create the fabric of this life. Our new life.

Peace for your Sunday ❤

Gratitude

For Saturdays like this….

Good coffee and conversation with you

My family, the vintage (because that sounds better) and the new

Our families together and apart

The new life we are building

Trips to Lowes and working in the yard twogether

Candles with oils, herbs and intentions burning in the kitchen

A full heart

Self-care, self-love and more healing

The people I work with and a job I love

Growth and change

Looking forward

Letting go

For a life well lived

Life

The house is still and quiet this evening which allows me time to sift through the many thoughts and emotions that have been surfacing over the last few weeks. My partner is at work and my first senses were the way his shirt smelled when he left this afternoon. The smile I am greeted with on an almost daily basis and sweet kisses after a brief absence or when we are parting.

Music filters through his space, which he has so freely given me to write in this evening. Its comforting to know I sit where he sits, I see what he see’s, but more over to just feel his presence in this space.

I have no particular direction in which to write tonight, usually I have something that is weighing on me that needs to come to life…thats it Life.

Life is so fragile….so precious and happens so quickly.

“The currency of life is not money but time and love. Remember time is finite, but you are blessed with infinite love” ~Debasish Mridha

Over the last week or so I have been reminded of how precious our time here is. The children that lost their father in the middle of his life. The young woman and her brother who just lost their mother. I think of people who I hold close…the mother who lost her daughters, his Dad, a best friend who was able to stay a year longer than he was given, her Dad, his Mom, my Aunt and Uncle. We waste so much of our time holding grudges and hating. Forgetting that this is time and life that we are robbed of on our own accord. I know it may sound cold, but I have found that it is easier to walk away from those that have hurt you rather than stay connected and continuously suffer because of them. You will empty your own cup by continuously giving to others. Love and respect yourself enough to let go.

Life waits for no one…..

Figuring shit out

Peace for your Sunday evening