Sunday evening…..

A long drive home, plenty of time to get lost in thought. Cooking for a few days ahead, laundry, the Bird, the Win and the Tunes. The air filters on and off as the scent of the night linger. The neighbors grilling and their children playing, the family on the other side play catch with their dogs. These are the sounds of my night.

A long drive home, the to do list, the chuck it list and the sweet thoughts about the weekend. You took me to the ballet and I fell in love. So beautiful and heartbreaking. Yes, please, again and a again. In our good clothes we end up in a neighborhood bar, watching the game, enjoying our own company and singing now and then. Everyone falls away and its only you and I.

The contrast of our life….sleep ins, but what about those 6 am mornings? Its been a while, but they are so good. Soft rains and sitting outside, I am sure it was around 3 am. And I am sure I wouldn’t want to be your neighbors. This is what middle of life looks like. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Routine and not so much…sgood (yes, sgood).

So Sunday night. Highs and lows. Feeling my feelings, which I am convinced no one could completely, ever understand. The intuition that kicks in, the words people speak that hurt and the actions they show which do the same. I am observant, a lot more than people give me credit for.

The pineapple mango candle that fills the living room was a gift from a strong woman I admire that I don’t see any more, but think of more than she knows. Permanently stiched in the threads of my heart.

And Theresa, my Idaho Theresa, I hold her heart in my hands, always.

Life is short and should be well lived. I don’t hold fast to the past or the people who damaged pages of my story. I don’t “what if”, because quite honestly there isn’t anything worth “what if’ing”. I love my life in the now.

Instead I have been reminded recently of how short life is. How temporary and fleeting. I think of the quote that carries the words “finite and fragile”, life and love relate to those words for me. We should love while we can. We are not promised….anything. There isn’t a too fast or too slow, we do what is right for us. This is more than the half way point, the rest will be the best. If you can’t feel that, can you feel?

So these are just a few pieces of my extravagant life I choose to share. The human, the moments, breathing, sitting in gratitude for what I have and where I have been. For wisdom. For life.

For all of it.

This is my Sunday evening…..

 

Peace for your Sunday evening….and every day ❤

In the still moments

In the still moments

in a crowded room

or alone

The echo of

nothingness

Seeking and searching

for what is relevant

and what is not

To listen to the voice

of reason

or insanity

To be gentle

and kind

to yourself

In the still moments

the answers come

the knowing

and sometimes

not

In the still moments we find

what we seek

or don’t

the

answers

are heard

the loudest….

In the still moments

 

And just like that

And just like that my life changed

I asked for so long for what I wanted. I asked for change, said I was ready. In February, with incredible force, I was hit with what I asked for, but not in a way I thought would come. It took me almost two months to find my balance again, maybe another month after that to really sink into this new life. When everything changed it set in motion a string of events that would lead me to here and now.

Life has never tasted so sweet and felt so good.

So this weekend we took a Coleman mattress in the back yard and watched planes go by and he pointed out constellations, planets…The Northern Cross for me. No one has ever done that. He shares with me…The first night we stayed awake, the second I asked to go again. As we watched in silence with sleepy eyes a shooting star made its way across the sky. My poor man, I thought I was going to come up off that mattress and he probably thought he would too, because of me. Such a good night, such a good weekend. We slept several hours outside that night.

We have such good weekends together. I told him this morning I wouldn’t want to be his neighbors. We laughed. He is so very good to me, so kind and loving. We laugh, talk a little trash, have our own little language and we are good friends.  We are building a relationship with a solid foundation made up of many personal fine details that are only sharable between him and I. This is what happiness and good life is made of.

It’s the small things in life that are the most important. The man who shows you the stars, who makes time for you, who accepts all of you just the way you are. The man you can tell all of your secrets to without fear of judgement or hesitation. The man  who cooks with you and lets you (eventually) find your way around his kitchen 🙂 Who is patient and understanding, yes, its him. I am grateful for the changes…every single one of them. I know what is important. I appreciate it all.

And just like that I fell into him ❤

Happy Sunday in your life….

Remember its the little things ❤

 

And then you found me…

On a humid summer day

We showed up

We threw the boundaries out the window

and had lunch

She’s 20

and I broke the coffee rule

We walked and talked

And it felt comfortable and right

Do you want to see me again?

I do

and I still do, again and again

And lunch

and lunch

and another

And dinner…

And many more of each

Mornings, evenings and nights

Our bubble

Planting the garden

and weeding it

Smiling with our hearts

and eyes

The pot of gold

and your boys

When you are so happy you cry

And when so good,

feels so right

You

and I

and You and I

and now

We

And it all makes perfect sense…..

Not Really There

(originally written September 2014)

There you are at the opposite end of the couch, your head tilted slightly

Your hands are strong as they hold the book you are entranced with

Your legs stretched out and propped up on the coffee table

I watch the rise and fall of your chest with every breath you take

You are wearing your favorite pajama bottoms and a cotton t-shirt that hugs you perfectly

The cool fall air has arrived

Falling leaves, a light wind is blowing

We are tucked safely into our world for the evening like bears

Warm and at ease

Loved and loving

Content with every part that is us

All of our wants and needs being met with the presence of the other

The lights dim

The smell of our life lingers in the air…..the burning candles, the faint reminder of the dinner that we shared only a few short hours before , lingering scents of my perfume and your cologne

We create this space…..our space

And as I write about us..I look again and you are not there, or here

Its me, with thoughts of how it could be

What I desire….

And in the end, I am not even really sure who you are…..

Life begins again……

For you Alyse, because you understand the way my words work….

I stepped into the night air, the warm desert wind on my legs. One of my favorite things about a desert summer night, the warmth on my skin. In my mind I wondered what I was thinking. “Am I really doing this?” And I knew, without hesitation, the answer, the only answer. As I made the drive the mellow sounds of Santeria whispered in the back ground. My mind drifted, yes, I was heading into the unknown.

So many times before I had faced the unknown, but not like this, in some sense this was familiar. This was by choice, unknown by choice, not by force. Mostly the unknown had been situations and people who were unkind. Places where I was supposed to be safe but that was taken.

I found the place I was looking for and I entered the home. I didn’t hesitate, even though I had never been here, I didn’t feel the typical feelings of uneasiness, judgement, distrust or even fear. This place was safe, warm and inviting. The energy was even and welcoming.

Earthy…when I replay those moments. The room felt earthy and easy, no pressure. The aroma and the energy of the air were comforting and music lingered like heavy smoke. Before me were so many treasures, I admired the walls and shelves, the tables in the corner adorned with plants, gemstones, candles….the things that were important to this person who occupied this space.

The words “make yourself at home” fell from their lips. I hesitated…but the words were genuine. I continued to glance from place to place, my eyes indulging in the contents of the this space. Within minutes I removed my sandals, I couldn’t wear them any more. I needed to be grounded in the moment and all the moments to follow. I never went barefoot anywhere but home. And I was barefoot and I felt the earth..connected….I was grounded.

And then came the silver dish…full of gemstones. Many colors and textures. I asked if it was okay to touch the contents of the bowl. I turned them over and over, familiarizing myself with them. The energy, the place, the space, the human….and I was alive..finally …..and Life Begins Again.

Thank you Alyse for pushing, pulling, inspiring, breathing and walking with me. For wording with me!! For the encouragement and for helping me put that inner critic to sleep. Life feels good my friend and I miss writing with you.

Love and peace to you always ❤

16 again….

To be 16 again

and feel the butterflies

flutter by

To turn on the lights

and dump your head

Too close

and not close enough

To smile

and completely

revel in

the glorious

glow

of youth

To know the

truth

And feel

the pain

ease

and

happiness

again

All the things

you thought

were gone

but reappeared

And now you know

that you waited

too long…

to feel 16 again

 

What do you speak into the Universe?

So last November, sitting at a light on Desert Inn and Cimarron I spoke the words “I am ready for change, whatever you give me I am ready for”. By February of this year I wasn’t ready but my words came to light. I believe more than ever that what we speak into the Universe will manifest in our lives. I have been more careful lately and so much more specific. So things changed drastically and quickly. It took some time to adjust to this new life that I asked for. And I wonder why I wasn’t more specific now…. and I know it’s because I wasn’t supposed to be…Every thing is falling into place. Better roads have been placing themselves before me. I observe and pay attention now. What is meant to be is coming together.

Fast forward to last Friday morning, it’s after 1 am and I driving home (damn Desert Inn), I did it again. I was more specific this time. Details….I spoke the fine details of what desire into life. I believe there is a higher power that listens when we speak, regardless of our belief system there are greater forces preparing for what is to come next for us.

And then everything changed yesterday…a simple, subtle change. Checking myself at 5:27 pm “remember what you asked for?”. I do. So now it’s placed before me and it will change a lot, if I allow it. I asked for it, I was specific. It has been constant in my thoughts since then. I take a breath and exhale…..these words come to mind

Permanence in a temporary world

I am not sure where this is really meant to go…I just know I come here to think and heal. Tonight its to contemplate what is placed before me. To feel my way through this, to explore my emotions. I have never been this specific…its time, I know, for a change. Its time to take care of me. To stop coming in last with certain people in my life.

What do you speak into the Universe? Are you specific?

I think I am being shown that what I want is possible, its my choice. It’s up to me. The Universe is conspiring to help me achieve it.

Peace for your Sunday evening ❤

Her list

She made a list once

Of the things that needed to be taken care of

When she wasn’t here any more

Who to call

and contact

and lean on

All the information needed

in the finality of life

And then she learned

about another lady who made a list

Much like hers

And she realized that it was

not the time for her list

So she tucked it away

Hoping and knowing

time heals

and mends

and changes

and sometimes it’s not good

to make lists like hers