Do you ever have one of those days…

You know the ones…where you just cant breathe?? Where inhaling takes all the effort you have and exhaling feels like you’ve been under water way too long and you have to try to remember how to breathe.

Dinner at the counter, standing, where I am comfortable. Bird is singing a little, Hec is behind me asleep on the rug, Tito across the room on his bed. The wind is blowing again and again and….again.

Yea, one of those days…

Where you turn a corner and another and another…you can’t breathe because every time you catch your breath it happens again.

When I was little my Mom had this chair. It was so big, I would put my head on one arm and curl into a ball and there was still room. It was safe. I could stay there alone forever. I could breathe, safe from the monsters and everything else that was wrong in an 8 year olds life. I need that chair today.

I tend to repeat the words “I don’t know” when I cant put together my thoughts and I cant breathe. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know….do you ever have one of those days? Where everything is overwhelming? Where it starts small and turns into some horrible anomaly?

So today is just one of those days….and when the night ends and I slip into the comfort of our bed, and the dark of the room, I will remember what it feels like to breathe again.

Peace for your Wednesday ❤

The fabric of life

I am standing in front of your side of the closet, delicately touching each shirt as I go. I know the feel of what I am looking for. And there it is, my favorite shirt of yours. You smile when I find you in the kitchen and there we were……

Sometimes it’s hard for me to share some of the layers of my life with you, not that they are a secret, but because they are reminder of the tenderness that still remains. I had been trying to tell you for some time and finally found the words, or my voice in Saturday’s morning hours.

For many, instead of dealing with pain, it is easier to bury than acknowledge. So it is buried. Some people never touch it again and some people have no choice in order to heal. I uncovered it and worked on it, through it and beyond it. I learned some valuable lessons in the process. Allowing the poor behavior of others to back step my healing process once again. Another lesson in the book of life. I was finally getting it.

I know now that the lessons I received were to remind me of who I am and my strength. But most importantly to know exactly what I deserve in this life.

I have always carefully thought through my actions and words towards others. “How would I react?” “Are my actions considerate?” “Are my words kind?” “How would I feel?”. I believe where I come from, the things I have experienced throughout life, made me more mindful of others and their feelings. I have experienced situations where someone has subjected me to harsh words and actions and then wondered why I lashed out in anger or eventually just walked away from them.

My favorite shirt, because it feels of you, the way you calm me and the way you stir me. You make me sure of myself and of you. You are the quiet comfort in the middle of the night and the sweet sunlight that floods the morning. You get it where others don’t, the same as I do you.

So I have come to realize that we all heal in our own time. We all heal differently. Even though some have done the self-work and have been on the path of healing, it doesn’t mean that the tender layers, in the core, don’t exist. It may just means we can touch them some days more than others. Some bury the past better than others, and some dont. I always think about the saying “you never know what someone is going through”, and we really dont.

So this is the fabric of life….

My favorite shirt of yours… because of our lessons and continuous growth. The patient people we are with each other and the impatient people we are with ourselves. The worn and tattered layers we came together with and the threads we are weaving together now to create the fabric of this life. Our new life.

Peace for your Sunday ❤

Maker

I used to be a maker…when I was healing and when I was happy.

I made a lot of things.

I have been craving that part of myself again.

I am happy

….finally.

and coming home

I touch parts of my life. I feel, deeply feel, love and life. I enjoy the simple things. I even allow dark parts to surface periodically. You cannot experience great gratitude and beauty in life if you cannot embrace the darkest parts of yourself and life as well.

I don’t run from things, other than my own feelings and ever present, deep running emotions and that is only periodic. I have to allow myself time to process and then decompress and come back to the situation head on, clear in thought. The past is the past and the only thing that is important is this moment.

Healing, forever healing, learning and growing. Accepting myself and others as we are. Even the ugly parts.

So a week ago I made intention candles for a few friends and for my life partner and I. They felt good. And that was the beginning. When I touched the candles and herbs they felt good in my hands and woke the part of me that have been hidden for some time.

Soon I will be home and there will be space for me to create. He supports that part of me because we are the same. He understands the call, the constant need to create.

When you give in and feel

from your soul

In the quiet moments

You allow it all to surface

and subside

And you stand in awe

of the canvas of your life.

Peace for your Sunday evening….

#waituntilyouseewhatwedo

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

What do you take for granted? And what part of your life do you repeat with the same results?

I have been thinking about this a lot over the last few days. What do we take for granted? Or who? What are we repeating so that nothing changes?? What is stagnant in your life?

For me it’s probably the time we think we have with people in our lives. Things change and with these changes comes perspective. Life isn’t forever and we seem to let so much slip by us and only give it a thought when we lose someone close to us. It is sad that it takes something of such permanence to make us appreciate what or who we had. To make us think a little more clear and honor ourselves, those around us and this glorious thing called life. When a life, relationship or friend ceases to exist that’s when we realize the importance of it. It’s not only about life and death…but life and loss. And love.

You may think that your loved one, friend, partner..spouse or however you want to define what you have, will always be there without hesitation. People need to know they are loved, appreciated and cared for. If you let time slip by you may not have the opportunity to let them know. Small, simple gestures, I have learned and experienced are the greatest. Reaching out periodically, because true ties surpass time and space. I am blessed to have many people in my life that I can pick right back up with without hesitation.

I have observed people who wont take chances or make changes necessary to move forward or make their experience better. The lonely and heartbroken who wont take a chance simply because they don’t want the same experience to be repeated. I think that risk is in order for them. That heartbreak or bad experience came with some good, there was a road taken to get there and it couldn’t have all been bad. Or maybe you chose to ignore the red flags, I know I have, I am more than sure we all have. It is said that the Universe gives you what you are ready for. So it is given, placed perfectly in your path and you choose what?? Fight it and push forward continuing the same existence or you open the door and allow it in? Everyone experiences pain…but in the same, they experience great happiness as well.

So,

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

It. Will. Always. Stay. The. Same.

If. You. Don’t. Change. It.

Change is imminent. It comes right on time when we need it most. I think we are given what we are ready for. That it’s up to us to accept it and create something wonderful from it or at least take the risk to see whats possible.  I know personally I am always up for that risk. I will always love and forgive as much as I can. It doesn’t mean I need to continue or stay. It might even mean I love myself enough to take better care of me.  I have experienced people leaving too soon and not being able to say what I wanted too, friendships have ceased to exist or we outgrew each other and people have treated me shitty. I don’t return the favor because at some point in life, someone or some situations will give it right back to them. It’s not for us to be unkind or cruel because someone has treated us that way. Life will deal the hand accordingly, it’s better to be a bystander when this is the case, instead of a participant.

So this is life. Treat people the way you want to be treated and in return I hope what you give out is given back in great amounts.

Be kind. Be good. Be true. Be the best you that you can be.

Peace for your Tuesday night.

One more…..
What you take for granted…someone else is praying for ❤

Solace in Words

Words are the only place I can find solace.

When my heart hurts, when life is hard and yes, even when its the best. This is the only place I know to come. They save me from certain destruction…they also celebrate my greatest joys with me.

I am lost lately. I seek to feed my soul and this is the only way I know how, yet recently it isn’t enough. I know when things aren’t right in my life, intuition, and lately I chose to ignore it, only for it to come to light later. I know that I should listen when something tells me there is more to what is before me. You see I have always listened to the words that aren’t spoken and I pay very careful attention to those around me. More often than not they think that I am naive to the situation but I am not. Thus hurt feelings and second guessing my worth to those individuals. Enough? Imagine that…..

Sleepless nights turn into drug out days…random tears, fake smiles. It’s so easy to hide in front of people. When I am alone at night my demons come out to play. They put in my face everything I have put off, everything I hide. I have a habit of seeking temporary happiness in material items. Things that aren’t necessary. Then comes guilt and shame. It’s not often that I do this because I have a tendency to take better care of those around than taking care of myself. It’s just easier.

So here I am…functioning on maybe three hours of sleep, knowing something is off right now….and waiting for it to show up.